You Do You

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Take Control of your Life in Only Three Easy Payments

"Have these people never heard of the Paradox of Choice?" I leaned back, the catalogue spreading from one wall of my living room to the other, and this was only the first page. I waved my hand to flick over to the next page, colourful infographics disappearing into my little kitchen to be replaced by new options.

"It takes all kinds to make a world," Ravi said, their feet up on my coffee table. "There ought to be loads of possibilities. Besides, they give you filters, maybe you should use them?"

"Thanks a lot, smartass."

"If I want your advice, I'll ask, dipshit."

"Yeah, well, okay."

<<silently>> <<set $cruel to 3>> <<set $snark to 3>> <<set $selfish to 3>> <<set $kind to 1>> <<set $empathy to 1>> <<set $generous to 1>> <<set $asshole to 0>> <<set $awesome to 0>> <<set $package to "">> <<set $round to 0>> <<set $bought to 0>> <</silently>> //''Take Control of your Life in Only Three Easy Payments''// "Have these people never heard of the Paradox of Choice?" I leaned back, the catalogue spreading from one wall of my living room to the other, and this was only the first page. I waved my hand to flick over to the next page, colourful infographics disappearing into my little kitchen to be replaced by new options. "It takes all kinds to make a world," Ravi said, their feet up on my coffee table. "There ought to be loads of possibilities. Besides, they give you filters, maybe you should use them?" "[[Thanks a lot, smartass.|2][$snark += 1]]" "[["If I want your advice, I'll ask, dipshit."|2][$cruel += 1]]" "[["Yeah, well, okay."|2]]"

<<if $snark is 4>> My voice was typically sarcastic, but I poked a finger up toward the top right corner of the overlay and brought up a list. <<elseif $cruel is 4>> I rolled my eyes, but I poked a finger up toward the top right corner of the overlay and brought up a list. <<else>>They were right, so I poked a finger up toward the top right corner of the overlay and brought up a list. <</if>> I stabbed at the bright red //One Day Only Sale—Half Off!// and waited for the database to sort. In a shimmer of photons, a new set of choices appeared before me. They all had dorky marketing names like //Space Cadet//, //Bookworm//, and //Tree Hugger//, but I tried hard to look past that to the details. My success was marginal, at best. "This is stupid," I said. "[['These are all a bunch of losers.'|3][$cruel += 1]]" "[["What a waste of my time and money."|3][$selfish +=1]]" [[I crossed my arms like a petulant child.|3]]

"Of course, you'd say that," Ravi said, "//now//." <<include calc>> <<if $asshole < 3.6>>"Shut up,"<<else>>"Fuck you,"<</if>> I said, though knew they were right. That was the whole point of the exercise. I knew what I was. <<if $cruel > 3>> I was mean<<if $snark > 3>> and snarky<</if>><<if $selfish > 3>> and selfish<</if>>.<<elseif $snark > 3>>I was snarky<<if $selfish > 3>> and selfish<</if>>.<<elseif $selfish > 3>>I was a self-centred jerk.<<else>> Plain and simple:<</if>> I was an asshole. It's not like I didn't know it and it's not like I was super happy about it. I just couldn't ever quit it with the nasty comments, the snide remarks, the eye-rolls. I wondered sometimes why Ravi put up with me, but then I'd catch myself thinking something <<if $cruel > 3>>evil about their parentage<<else>>uncharitable about their mental state<</if>> and well, typical me. It was time to do something about it. "You've done this before," I said. "[["Help me find something that doesn't suck."|4][$snark += 1]]" "[["How about a little advice?"|4]]" "[["Maybe give me the benefit of all that experience for once?"|4][$selfish += 1]]"

<<silently>> <<set $asshole to $snark>> <<set $asshole += $selfish>> <<set $asshole += $cruel>> <<set $asshole /= 3>> <<set $awesome to $kind>> <<set $awesome += $empathy>> <<set $awesome += $generous>> <<set $awesome /= 3>> <</silently>>

Ravi had changed themselves a bunch of times. When I met them they were still Ravinder: science nerd, straight man, practical joker. He'd gotten bored of some parts of that personality and bought a queer non-binary, sports fan package to overwrite those aspects of himself. I still had to watch out for the occasional whoopee cushion, which of course I complained about incessantly. [[Secretly, I was glad my best friend didn't dump that part of their personality.|5][$snark += 1]] [[It was hilarious when they did it to someone else, though.|5][$selfish += 1]] [[Pranks are pretty mean, after all.|5][$mean to true]]

<<if $mean>> I suspected that it might be why we got along. <<else>> Playing a prank is always kind of a dick move, and I inherently connected with that. <</if>> I idly wondered if I'd end up hating that part of Ravi after. "How about these?" Ravi waved their hands to rearrange the options on the display and I took in the sight. They all have super-cutesy animated avatars that made it look like you were going to turn into something out of a kids' cartoon sponsored by a candy company. Barf. "Fine, I'll look at them," I said. "You can get more information about each package by tapping it," Ravi said. <<if $cruel > 3>> "[[No shit, Sherlock.|packages]]" <<elseif $selfish > 3>> "[[I'm not a moron.|packages]]" <<elseif $snark > 3>> "Really? So, this works like every other display page in the history of time? [[Thanks for the tip.|packages]]" <<else>> "[[Yeah, I figured.|packages]]" <</if>>

<<silently>> <<set $round += 1, $reset to false>> <<include calc>> <</silently>> <<if $round is 2>>It felt strange, like a tingle in the back of my neck. Not uncomfortable, but… wrong? I looked over at Ravi, whose big brown eyes were wide but they were smiling encouragingly. Then the weird feeling was gone and I couldn't be sure that anything had even happened. "So?" Ravi said, expectantly. "What do you think? "<<if $snark is 1>>I'm not sure?<<elseif $snark is 2>>Hard to say.<<elseif $snark is 3>>What's to think?<<elseif $snark is 4>>I think this is bullshit.<<else>>Oh. My. God. The world is made of unicorn farts!<</if>>" I rolled my eyes. "<<if $selfish > 3>>This was a total waste of my money and my time. <</if>>I don't feel any different." <<if $snark > 2 or $selfish > 2>>"You don't seem that different, either." <<if $cruel is 1>>"I guess not."<<elseif $cruel is 2>>I shrugged.<<elseif $cruel is 3>>"Don't sound so disappointed."<<elseif $cruel is 4>>"At least I didn't turn into a loser like you."<<else>>"Thank fuck."<</if>> <<else>>"You seem different, though." <<if $cruel is 1>>"I'm glad."<<elseif $cruel is 2>>"That's a good thing, right?"<<elseif $cruel is 3>>I shrugged.<<elseif $cruel is 4>>"Maybe this wasn't such a waste of time."<<else>>"At least one of us is improving."}<</if>> <</if>> Ravi <<if $asshole > 2>>sighed<<else>>smiled<</if>>, then gestured up at the display. "Want to go again? There's a deal." Indeed there was a deal. Huge, red, flashing letters spelling out ''Buy One, Get One Free!'' <<if $snark is 1>>Awesome!<<elseif $snark is 2>>Hard to argue with free.<<elseif $snark is 3>>It's a bargain at twice the price.<<elseif $snark is 4>>You get what you pay for, but why not?<<else>>At least they finally figured out what this shit is worth.<</if>> <</if>> [[Pick some packages]]

//This personalty is caring and realistic.// <<set $package to "Down to Earth">> <<include choose>>

//This personalty is compassionate and sweet.// <<set $package to "Helping Hands">> <<include choose>>

//This personalty is a great listener.// <<set $package to "Lean on Me">> <<include choose>>

//This personalty is generous and kind.// <<set $package to "Mi Casa Su Casa">> <<include choose>>

//This personalty is always there for a friend in need.// <<set $package to "A Friend Indeed">> <<include choose>>

//This personalty looks for the good in everyone.// <<set $package to "I See You">> <<include choose>>

<<if $round is 1>><<set $round to 0>><</if>> //Are you sure you don't want to improve yourself for a low, low price?// [[Yes, quit|finish]] <<if $asshole > 3>>[[Okay, fine. Jeez.|packages]] <<else>>[[Keep looking|packages]] <</if>>

<<include calc>> <<if $awesome is 1>>"Screw this," I said. "I'm not letting some corporate mind control virus into my head and paying for the privilege! I don't know what the fuck is wrong with people like you." I waved my hands to clear the display, and the lights in my apartment came up as the images disappeared. Ravi's obvious disappointment was illuminated as starkly as the stack of leftover noodle cartons on the table. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to become different," they said, softly. "What's the point of having technology if we don't use it to become better animals?" "Save me your techno-utopian bullshit," I said, cracking open a beer. "I'm <<if $selfish > 3>>great<<else>>fine<</if>> just the way I am." Ravi shook their head, and stood up. "Whatever," they said, walking to the door. "You do you." As I heard them walking down the hall, my notifications pinged. //Friendship "Ravi" deleted.// Whatever. Ravi was a loser anyway. I flipped up my display again, and started surfing for something that doesn't suck. <<elseif $awesome > 3>>"How are you doing?" Ravi asked. "I think I'm okay," I said, standing up to make sure my body still worked the same way. Legs? Check. Arms? Check. Everything else? Seemed fine. "I'm willing to bet that pretty soon you feel a lot more than just okay," Ravi said. "Cynicism is easy. Being an asshole is safe, but in the long run it's harder. It must be so exhausting to be in the world when you're always looking out for the angle." I knew that just ten minutes before I'd have had some quick and nasty comeback, but they were right. I knew, I must have always known, that they were right. But it seemed so obvious now. "Thanks for talking me into this," I said. "I know it must have been hard to put up with me all those years." Ravi shrugged. "Yeah, but I always thought there might be more to you." They looked up at the display, still running through the offerings to //build a better you//. "This isn't magic, you know. It can't make you into something you're not. All it does is find the parts of you that you've hidden away. It turns out, you were awesome all along. You were only dressed up as an asshole." <<else>>"How are you doing?" Ravi asked. "<<if $selfish > 2>>This better not have fucked me up somehow<<else>>I think I'm okay<</if>>," I said, standing up to make sure my body still worked the same way. Legs? Check. Arms? Check. Everything else? <<if $snark > 2>>Who the hell knows?<<else>>Seemed fine.<</if>> "I'm willing to bet that pretty soon you feel a lot <<if $selfish > 2>>less fucked up<<else>>more than just okay<</if>>," Ravi said. "Cynicism is easy. Being an asshole is safe, but in the long run it's harder. It must be so exhausting to be in the world when you're always looking out for the angle." <<if $cruel > 2>>"What's exhausting is dealing with all the idiots out there," I said<<else>>I knew that just ten minutes before I'd have had some quick and nasty comeback<</if>>, but they were right. I knew, I must have always known, that they were right. But it seemed so obvious now. "<<if $generous > 2>>I don't know how to repay you for showing me<<else>>Thanks for talking me into<</if>> this," I said<<if $cruel > 2>> , surprised at the chagrin I felt<</if>>. "<<if $empathy > 2>>I know it must have been hard to put up with me all those years<<else>>I have to admit, I was kind of a dick<</if>>." Ravi shrugged. "Yeah, but always thought there might be more to you." They looked up at the display, still running through the offerings to //build a better you//. "This isn't magic, you know. It can't make you into something you're not. All it does is find the parts of you that you've hidden away. It turns out, you're a complex machine." <<if $kind > 2>>"Aren't we all?" <</if>> <</if>> <center>— O —</center>

Buy //[[$package|Buy]]// [[Keep looking|Pick some packages][$reset to true]]

<<if $round is 1>>//Would you prefer to adjust your exiting personality or overwrite it completely with ''$package''? Note that this cannot be undone. ''All sales final!''// [[Adjust|stats][$adjust to true]] [[Overwrite|stats]] [[Cancel|Pick some packages]] <<else>>//Add ''$package'' to your personality for free!// [[Yes!|stats][$adjust to true]] [[Cancel|Pick some packages]] [[Quit|finish]] <</if>>

<<silently>> <<if $package is "Down to Earth">> <<set $kind += 3, $empathy += 2, $generous += 1, $bought to 1>> <</if>> <<if $package is "Helping Hands">> <<set $kind += 3, $generous += 2, $empathy += 1, $bought to 2>> <</if>> <<if $package is "Lean on Me">> <<set $empathy += 3, $kind += 2, $generous += 1, $bought to 3>> <</if>> <<if $package is "Mi Casa Su Casa">> <<set $generous += 3, $kind += 2, $empathy += 1, $bought to 4>> <</if>> <<if $package is "A Friend Indeed">> <<set $generous += 3, $empathy += 2, $kind += 1, $bought to 5>> <</if>> <<if $package is "I See You">> <<set $empathy += 3, $generous += 2, $kind +=1, $bought to 6>> <</if>> <<if $adjust is true>> <<set $cruel -= $kind>> <<set $snark -= $empathy>> <<set $selfish -= $generous>> <<if $cruel < 1>><<set $cruel to 1>><</if>> <<if $snark < 1>><<set $snark to 1>><</if>> <<if $selfish < 1>><<set $selfish to 1>><</if>> <<else>> <<set $cruel to 1, $snark to 1, $selfish to 1>> <</if>> <<if $round > 1>> <<goto [[finish]]>> <<else>> <<goto [[packages]]>> <</if>> <</silently>>

<<if $bought != 1>><<button [[Down to Earth]]>><</button>><</if>> <<if $bought != 2>><<button [[Helping Hands]]>><</button>><</if>> <<if $bought != 3>><<button [[Lean on Me]]>><</button>><</if>> <<if $bought != 4>><<button [[Mi Casa Su Casa]]>><</button>><</if>> <<if $bought != 5>><<button [[A Friend Indeed]]>><</button>><</if>> <<if $bought != 6>><<button [[I See You]]>><</button>><</if>> <<if $asshole > 3>>[[Fuck this hippie shit. I'm out.|Sure]]<<else>>[[Quit|Sure]]<</if>>